Winter Time Sadness

As of Yesterday i found out some pretty glummy News. One thing i really want to know is, Is This True?! Im left wondering.. He told me nothing did but you've been talking since last may.. Did he just seem to forget what all that was in store for us?

More like he let go, he didn't want to be anywhere around me. Nothing to do with me. Went i went to portland for the week study at ohsu, i felt it there. I felt this tension. He wasn't the same. He tells me he wants "friends", but does he not get that, it is not okay to act single when you're not? Its a relationship breaker not to tell a girl your in a relationship! To me it's Cheating, to him its nothing. "shes nothing"

But Now that im really taking a step back and really soaking in all this, I realise.. Why wait for him? He tells me just wait... just wait.... Is you telling me wait, also telling me your still with her? Shes to young and immature, Streading lies like a high school Yuppie. Im sick of waiting! im sick of hearing all this and seeing it all go down around me! If you both cant be the bigger person and tell the truth then im walking away. Im not going to sit around waiting for something that may never happen. Not worth my time.

This isnt you, this isnt the guy i met awkwardly. It all comes down to you and her telling the truth. I am always on his side but this time i have a suspition. Her asking for my number but then never calling or caring to message. Its Cruel and Pathetic. Im done waiting to hear from you! im coming to you better yet. where do you work? -.- ehh whatever

Im tired of fighting for the one i love when in reality he probably just keeps me around for the fuck and the physical part. No emotional part whatsoever. I think its time to start a new adventure. But where?

California? Arizona? florida? for christ sakes Mexico!? I need out of this Hell hole of a town they call Bend. There is no more Butterflies theres no more Kissing un controlably. Theres nothing, but me and my mind. Im only 18, Life goes on... BUT SERIOUSLY!? I Wish i could go back 2 years just to confront her and show her whos really the right one here, but what does that accomplish? absoulutly nothing.

I want to delete all the pictures and rip up all the memories we made but its not going to prove anything its only going to make me hurt more. I just need to move on, literally move on. Get over this stupid High School BullShit Drama. Im DONE. Im done hearing about your girls, im done with hearing about kristina or jade or natalie. My life isnt sweet like cinnamon, its a bitter pill i swallowed that just wouldnt go down. No fucking dream im living in But the point is that i cant just sit and boil over with ideas and thoughts of you two together and where does he go when he leaves here. or his breaks? Im done wasting my time worrying.

Theres a point in everyones life in which they give up. Im there.

 

Will you still love me later on? Will you come back? Will there be a second chance? well in this case the third chance. my mind flutters with all the beautiful memories and the unforgetable changes, I just want to scream in pain but i feel ill only make myself crazy. I want you and still want you but this is just the Darkest cloud ive seen in ages. Forget the promises, Forget everything, forget you.

Dont Kiss hard before you go. Im over it.
I Love You Babe, Forever and Ever.....Not.

White Blank Page

As of yesterday the new year has begun. The starting of new changes and new selfs. But then theres me. Im just Sitting here aspiring to try and recoperate after the big blow to the heart, Might as well introduce the wrecker... well two?  Me and this guy have been dating for the past 3 years and to be honest the first few years were bumpy... not like a pothole in the road bumpy more like a Major Moutain terrain, And i was only at the very bottom. You see when i first met the so called "love of my life" I felt an imediate attraction but as the months and the years went on i felt both of us slowly losing that flame. I worried about what i did that wasnt working. Was i not trying hard enough? Was i Acting like a complete maniac trying to figure these damn things out... YES. but i feel im not the only one that over emphasizes things and tends to overreact but when its your heart being played with and you dont dare to lose it when your try your hardest. What ive realized is that being a teenage isnt fun, more like a Horrible time in most peoples life that most tend to try and forget. But then theres other occasions where there was things left unsettled when done, things like being a dumb teenager and doing stupid stuff. Im going to admit and say i was stupid and know doubt was i dumb but i willingly let my drunken teenage mind ruin my next few years. Ive never really talked about this to anyone better yet the internet but i feel some things need to come out. 
Things Like I was a total relationship wrecker and cheated on my Amazing boyfriend of the time with some low life scum for a one night stand. Im not saying what i did was by any means okay, but i went to him and i told him what happened. I confessed. But he took it differently. He said second chances never really happen and that i fucked things up.  But at this point i was forward about everything i didnt keep any secrets. But this caused the "break up". I was a Junior and he was a Senior. He treated me as though i never existed as though those years hadnt even happend. Thats when Sam came to the surface. I tried everything to get his trust back to even trying to just forget about him and let him be, but i knew i truley loved this man. A while went by, he called, he had asked if id like to walk to the store to go get a lighter, which i found odd, but i agreed only cause i was miserable i needed to see him. We met and walked and i saw that Guy who i fell in love with in Woods class...until he had seen a girl who was his gf of the times friend. he got worried and ditched me due to him not wanting her to see me with him... I was let down. The feeling of hollowness. the feeling of not wanting to ever fall in love cause it was only going to break you down. 
Months went by no text. Until out of no where there was a text, Asking if everything was okay and that he wanted to talk. At that point i had lost all hope and was in the "dont text me" mood but i answerd and it started that blossom again. It started the most happiest most memorable time in my life. My senior year consisted of me getting diagnosed with Right Tempural lob Epilepsy and Having to deal with Constant seizures and breakdowns. School was miserable. This really showed the true light underneath him. He cared for me and helped me when i was down, he was my best friend when i really needed it. But when This epilepsy really started to effect my daily life and family i had to change it. So i did. I graduated early and was ready to move on with high school and be with my Man. Also at this time was a difficult time in the money department which left everyone in the house hold aggitated and grumpy. Me included. I was so extremely distracted that i didnt realize i was losing my best friend, and fast. My mom would get mad at Bills and the house loan not working out right. So it ended with my Beloved guy leaving and moving away due to me not noticing. Not far but it seemed like Miles. I felt deserted, just left high and dry. I hated the fact that when in a relationship there was things you two would never agree on and there was things that would make both you tick. Trying to forgive and forget was not an opinion. 
I felt in some cases it was Revenge, for the stupid times that one drunk idiot girl did. But remember all things must come to the surface. So as time went on and months went on the bond lessened it was more like depleted. I tried and he tried but things werent working out. So i let time heal it this time. 6 months went by. No word. Then i get a phone call asking if i wanted to maybe talk and hang for a bit. I was a bit flabbergasted only due to the time distance, but said heck why not. But when we both met up and we both started to replay our past few months i noticed a change. a different way in which he talked and well quite frankley a different him. I was shocked. I didnt know this guy, this wasnt the sweet yet sarcastic Guy i met in class. This was What he had built. His "shield". These next few months would change history. ...well in my books.
The hiding things and the lying was the worse part. Second was unwanted messages. I gave up, the guy i knew and loved had turned into the complete opposite of himself. And i Felt like i had something to do with it. We would hang out almost every night, laughing and playing video games but there was just that flame that wasnt being lit. So i step forward and asked. He told me wait, time will pass and things will get better. I did. and time went flying. ...right out my window. He told me he loved me and that it was forever and ever. But really was it? or was it for the time being. Thats when i started to see a change. The old him. I missed him so much. Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye. The times we had the memories we made, the love that was shared, it will never be replaced. 
I guess the point of this little spiel was to tell you Love isnt what you think it is. Its Evil ..yet satisfying. Theres times when you just want to fall to the floor and give up and thats where i guess i am.... Im at the point where im asking myself why would i love someone so much who loves so much to serve revenge on a dish served VERY cold. We dated, he stayed over, love happened, things happend, and i will never forget them. But the bottom line is Always Be Truthful. Never let love overcome the power of life. 
When december rolled around things were good. Things were perfect. Thats until A true friend stepped up and told the truth. I had the proof but didnt want to belive it. He told me all these things about love and about being with me forever and our lives down the road, but it only comes to an abrupt halt when all the relationship ends up being is Revenge. Breaking a heart is Never a way to prove your love.
Lying is never alright... I guess love just isnt ment to be...

So i will leave this letter on a small note. 
I Love you Cam And will never stop. 
I will Wait for you.
You are and always will be my First Love
Im Giving up on loving you with my whole being
only cause i feel you have too.
Forever And Ever Babe...